


A Day in Lion Purgatory

by Chronos_X



Series: Headcanons (2016-) [21]
Category: The Lion Guard (Cartoon), The Lion King (1994)
Genre: Afterlife, Ahadi is a terrible father, Final Fantasy References, Funny, Headcanon, James Earl Jones References, Jeremy Irons References, Mohatu is so done with everybody's bs, Mufasa is the OSL (Only Sane Lion), Mufasa's and Simba's family is dysfunctional, Parody, Purgatory, Scar's afterlife sucks, Star Wars References, Uru is surrounded by idiots, headcanons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27726704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronos_X/pseuds/Chronos_X
Summary: Also available at https://www.deviantart.com/chronos-x/art/A-Day-in-Lion-Purgatory-697352271Dragon Ball Super: Twilight of Gods I - https://archiveofourown.org/series/1466320
Series: Headcanons (2016-) [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1635487
Kudos: 2





	A Day in Lion Purgatory

Mufasa: Aww, c'mere, you ambitious, selfish, neglected knucklehead! ( _Noogies Scar_ ). I could never stay mad at you, even if you did scar (no pun intended) my only son beyond repair, take me from him when he needed me the most, and cause him to make bad decisions in life... where was I going with this, again?

Uru ( _bitterly disappointed_ ): Shouldn't you be rotting in Lion Hell?

Scar ( _deadpan_ ): What makes you think I'm not?

Ahadi: Now now, Dear, all he did was side with our sworn enemies, murder our favorite son, exile our grandson, make him think he was guilty of patricide, and plague him with a lifetime's catalog of issues and nightmares no therapist is qualified to handle. Also, he may or may not have murdered us, too. Was it really all that bad? ( _Uru stares at him sourly_ ). What?

Uru: Let's favor our eldest son, you said. He's your heir, you said. Let's name the other one "garbage" and make him play border patrol, you said. Hopefully he won't become jealous of his brother and murder him and his coworkers in a power-hungry rage, you said.

Ahadi ( _annoyed_ ): Typical Uru. The brats do something wrong, and it ends up being my fault somehow.

Uru ( _livid_ ): Don't try to weasel your way out of this one, Ahadi Pridesman!

Mufasa ( _apprehensive_ ): Eh, Mom, Dad...

Ahadi/Uru: STAY OUT OF THIS, JAMES THULSA MUFASA!

Scar ( _chuckles_ ): Hey Muffy, wanna go Thulsa-dancing tonight?

Mufasa ( _blushing_ ): I wouldn't be laughing if I were you, Jeremy Profion Nataka...

Scar ( _see above_ ): I told you to never call me that!

( _Everyone starts bickering as a band of onlookers crowds around them. Moments later, a clash of lightning shuts the quarrelers up and disperses the group_ ).

???? ( _In a booming, thunderous tone à la Keith David_ ): Break it up, all of you!

Ahadi ( _swallows hard, sweats profusely_ ): F-Father?

Uru ( _unimpressed_ ): King Mohatu...

( _Mohatu appears in a peal of thunder accompanied by angelic music. His ever-flowing silvery mane shines like burning stars over his haloed head as his countenance remains fixed in a beatific, sternly judicious expression that conveys strength and self-assurance as much as his kindly brown eyes and radiant yellowish feline body. He stands firmly and confidently straight as he shifts his gaze back and forth on the four lions_ ).

Mufasa ( _somewhere in-between overjoyed and scared shitless_ ): Grandfather!

Scar ( _just plain shitless_ ): Liam Garland Stuart Mohatu Pridesman? Is that really him?

Mufasa ( _possessed by divine terror_ ): I'd recognize that look of contemptuous disapproval anywhere...

Uru ( _still unimpressed_ ): Shouldn't he be rallying four fiends and covering the world in darkness or something?

Scar ( _awe-stricken_ ): They say that whenever he smiled at his subjects, they would become extraordinarily fruitful... or was it fruity?

Uru ( _rolls her eyes_ ): Same difference.

Ahadi ( _frantically shuts Uru's snout)_ : Hold your tongue, woman! He finds our lack of righteousness disturbing!

Uru ( _pushes Ahadi away_ ): I find your lack of backbone disturbing...

Mufasa ( _enthralled_ ): Once he gave the stink-eye to the uncle of a girlfriend of a lover of a friend of mine. He and five whole generations of their entire families died childless! Childless, I tell you!

Scar ( _scornful_ ): And you guys wondered why I never started a pride of my own...

Ahadi ( _sighs in relief_ ): With your voice and mannerisms, who can tell? ( _Mufasa and Scar turn away disgusted_ ). Was it something I said?

Uru ( _deadpan_ ): My husband, ladies and gentlemen, my husband...

Mohatu ( _in a mixture of disbelief and disappointment_ ): Silence! You should all be ashamed of yourselves, especially you, Joseph Aslan Ahadi Pridesman III! ( _Uru and Scar chuckle to themselves. Mohatu is not amused_ ).

Ahadi ( _mortified beyond belief_ ): But Father, I...

Mohatu ( _yells at the top of his voice, makes all of Heaven tremble_ ): "DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOUNG LION!" ( _Ahadi whimpers like a cub. Uru and Scar try to hide behind Mufasa, who grins sheepishly and stands there like a yutz_ ). The rest of you are not getting off easy, either. Now go to your rooms and think about what you've done, what you should've done, and what you didn't do!

Everyone ( _heads down, dejected, defeated tones_ ): Yes, Sir. ( _They start to leave_ ).

Mufasa ( _smiles, briefly stops without looking back_ ): All things considered, I'm glad to see you again, Grandfather. ( _Walks away as Mohatu smiles. Uru grumbles something to herself_ ).

Mohatu ( _severe_ ): I heard that! ( _Ahadi grabs Uru by her scruff and runs away with her as they resume arguing. Mohatu clears his throat_ ). Nataka, you stay. ( _Scar stops in his tracks and uneasily turns around_ ).

Scar: Would it help if I said I was sorry?

Mohatu ( _still severe_ ): Only if you want to die all over again. ( _Scar swallows hard_ ). You and I have much to talk about. Go to my quarters and wait for me there. I'll be with you as soon as I've dealt with my idiot son and the rest of our family. Don't move a muscle till I arrive.

Scar ( _drowning in sweat_ ): But I...

Mohatu ( _simmering in tranquil fury_ ): Did I say you could talk? ( _Scar doesn't answer_ ). Well, did I?

Scar ( _as if he's about to cry_ ): N-No, Grandfather...

Mohatu: Then go. ( _Scar scampers off with his tail between his legs. Mohatu frowns_ ). Morons. The whole damned lot of them... ( _Disappears in a flash of light_ ).


End file.
